*The Lump 2010-2011

The Lump 2010-2011

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     From my journal entries : 

December 30, 2010

     Because of one lump- it seems as though my whole life will change. I was having pain in my left booby ( yes I call it a booby. Because I like calling it that. ) Anyway, I felt around, and yep, there was a huge lump. I went straight to my OB/GYN who said you need to go see the surgeon. I have an appointment soon. I woke up this morning with an urge to leave a legacy for my children. What is a legacy though ? 50 million in a bank account ? Memories ? A recipe book with my famous meatloaf recipe ? Maybe a bunch of little “chatchkas” . I need to think on this. I suddenly feel as though I need to write on the back of every photo, record my voice, start wearing perfume, make a quilt for my kids, write a book maybe ? Will they remember me as I am now ? Or will they only remember mommy being sick. Or will they remember me at all ? What about my husband ? Will he love me forever ?

-Jaelle-

December 31, 2010

     My Aunt Ruth told me the other day that I just need to let stuff go and choose to fill my life with happy and joyful things. Sounds easy doesn’t it ? Maybe it is. I’m letting go of things that aren’t important, expectations I put on myself, worries that I cannot fix. I’m going to be a little selfish and say no to people. Right now it’s all about Keith, Dylan, Marlee, and Sydney. Physically I’m ok today. I’m glad of that, because right now I need to be concentrating on being the healthiest I can be, having joy in my life, and trying to leave a legacy for my kids.

-Jaelle-

Repent That I May Heal You – General Conference 2010 page 40 Elder Neil Anderson –

“ Behold my arms of mercy are extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive and blessed are those who come unto me.”

“ The Lord has said, ‘I am He who comforteth you"

“ Jesus declares, ‘ Will ye not now return unto me and repent of your sins and be converted, that I May Heal You? ‘”

End quote

I am praying for him to heal me. I have faith. 

January 2, 2011-

     Trying to make memories and just be normal, as I wait for my appointment with the surgeon. These are things we normally do, but I look at them differently now, what if it’s the last time I get to do these things with my family ? 

     We took the kids to La Grange to visit with Keith’s brother and a bunch of Aunts, Uncles, and cousins. Then we took the kids rollerskating Sydney was a natural, she’s very athletic. Marlee didn’t skate, she watched everyone .  And Dylan- well my son taught me a lesson today. He was a mess- his arms and legs were flying out all over the place and he kept falling down. Honestly, it was so hard to watch him. He’s at that age where he is finally growing a bit, and his arms and legs just seem a little to long for his body and he’s like a baby giraffe trying to stand up for the first time when he is skating. It’s painful. I tried to help him a couple of times but he would push me away and say – Mom! Let me learn to do it! How often do I, as a mom, want to desperately help my children- when I really need to step back and let them learn to do it ? Dylan eventually made it around the rink twice with no falls. His face was priceless! He was so incredibly proud of himself, and I was so incredibly proud of him. How often does God want to just help me- yet He knows I need to learn to do this myself ? Such beautiful lessons learned today.

-Jaelle-

January 3, 2011-

     Patience is a virtue- how many times have I heard that in my life ??! It’s obviously a virtue I don’t have! Maybe God is teaching me to be patient. I’ve waited – impatiently- for five days- for this day. Doctor day. The OB/GYN will be calling the surgeon in about 5 minutes.

     Grandma Odie just called – she told me that God is telling me to wait on Him- slow down. I’ve been having the same feelings. Be patient. Lean on me. Wait on me. This morning while making breakfast I looked up at the cute little sign that hangs over my stove, it says, ‘The Simple Life’. I like that. My priorities need to be God, family, church in that order. Being faithful and praying for a miracle, but waiting on Him. Slow Down.

-Jaelle-

January 5, 2011

     Met my surgeon today. I really like her. She’s a mommy and seemed to really understand my fears. Her nurse was kind, the u/s tech was great and my radiologist who did the biopsies was great. I was terrified when she felt the lump and said, ok you need to head down the hallway to the u/s room. We need to get a look at that. Then, after they get a look at it, the tech will either send you home or send you back to see me. So we walked down the hallway to the u/s room and I was feeling kind of like I was walking down death row! We got in the room and the tech was awesome. She had me lay to where I was comfy and then she did the ultrasound. Then she got up and picked up her phone and whispered some things into the phone. Keith and I looked at each other thinking, well that’s not good. She hung up the phone and said, Dr Henderson wants to talk to you for a few minutes. Well, that meant heading back to see her… the option we didn’t want! She sat us down and said, we need to get a biopsy of this mass. You have a tumor and we need to get a tissue sample to find out whether we need to just simply remove it, if it’s benign or if we need to remove it and do a more thorough surgery and treatment. The biopsy isn’t comfortable , but it won’t take long and it will give us peace of mind. So back down the hallway we went.

 The radiologist was setting up in the ultrasound room when we got back there. The tech smiled at us and said, it looks scary , but we will be right here with you through it and we will do everything we can to keep you comfortable. That was when I saw what they were using to get the biopsy! Keith and I spotted it at the same time…. Laying on a clean tray was the biggest needle I’ve ever seen…. Hooked up to a freaking air compressor with long curly cords and it was seriously like a hammer drill thing getting ready to be shot into my sweet little left booby! I just swallowed and started praying. Keith turned bright white and stumbled out into the hallway. I really wanted him to be brave and be with me, but I knew that I needed to think of him first. He needed to go sit down! I told him to go hang out in the waiting room and go get a soda or something, that they were going to take care of me. He protested, but not much, he knew that he wasn’t going to make it through without passing out haha!

 So he headed to the waiting room, and I looked at my torturers – umm I mean helpers ;)  and said, ok, give me the medicine to knock me out and let’s get this going! They looked at each other and then looked at me and said, umm we don’t have medicine here for that. Say what ??? Not even a valium or a Xanax or anything ??  A freaking Benadryl ???? So the u/s tech started calling around trying to find me something that would help me to feel ‘calm’. Nobody in the entire clinic had anything stronger then Tylenol. We all know Tylenol doesn’t do anything but ruin your liver! So I put my big girl panties on and said, let’s do this.

 They laid me down on my side… and put a towel over my face… they needed the towel at some point, but I kind of liked it there, because all I could see was the ultrasound machine and I watched them start looking around. Then the radiologist said, this is going to be loud, but I’m turning the biopsy machine on… it won’t hurt that much, it’s just really loud. So I started singing primary songs in my head. I started with “ A Child’s Prayer”. Then he turned the machine on and seriously it really sounded like an air compressor!

 I understood why it sounded like that when they began the biopsy. He had me raise my arm up and the tech moved the ultrasound wand to just the right spot. At that point, the towel was feeling a bit suffocating on my face. I started to get a bit sweaty which was quite embarrassing given the fact that my armpit was out in the open for everyone to see… and smell! Ok, here we go JL- try not to move! I sucked my breath in and tried my best to not move. BOOM! I was shot! Now I know why it sounded like an air compressor! They seriously just shot me with an air gun or something! A giant needle the size of Kentucky went shooting into my precious booby! It hurt like heck!!! Then it got quiet again and the wand started moving around looking for the next place. How are you doing JL ? The tech asked . “ umm…. I’m alive ?! “ I said trying to be cool.

 Then I realized that I literally couldn’t breathe. “ Could you please move the towel just a bit from my face ? I can’t breathe!” The tech looked mortified when she realized that she had put the towel over my entire face! “ You poor thing why didn’t you say something ?” she asked as she moved the towel. Oh sweet air! Fresh air. Well as fresh as a tiny ultrasound room with three adults in it and one sweaty armpit out in the open. “It’s ok!” I said as I tried to suck air in as fast as possible before I got shot again! 

After two more shots with the air compressor gun, more sweating and a gasp of relief when the radiologist finally got a good bunch of tissue that he could use. I sat up shakily, and just sat there with my sweaty armpit. Thank goodness I had put deodorant on. HAHA! They told me I did a good job and I thanked them for shooting me. Aren’t I nice and polite ? Sitting there with my shot up booby hanging out and sweat pouring out of my body.

 Back down the hallway I went, after picking up my poor hubby from the waiting room where he had sucked down a couple of soda’s and tried to watch some awesome news channel. He still looked a little pale and when we walked past the room and saw the radiologist wheeling the giant horse needle and air compressor out, I thought I was going to have to pick him up off the floor. It’s ok Keith, I soothed and rubbed his back, it’s all over now, they’re not going to hurt you! LOL! I rolled my eyes and grabbed his hand and said lets go home. It’s time to wait. The results should be back in the next few days. What will it be… cancer or just surgery ? Either way it sucks. Monday we will have a planning appointment for surgery. 

My father in law Kenny came and gave me a Priesthood blessing.

·       *  I have much work left to do

·       *  Pain will be light

·      *   Accept this challenge

·      *   Heavenly Father is aware of all the many trials I go thru

·      *   Healing will come

·        * Kenny is thankful that I’m part of his family and that I care for his grandchildren

·       *  Dr’s hands will be guided

·       *  Challenge will be a short trial

I especially liked the phrase – healing will come. I love that and I will cling to that.

-Jaelle-

January 6, 2011 –

     It’s interesting how people react when you tell them you have or might have cancer. The true friends and family hug you, call you, support you.  The friends who are not so true, respond with things like “ok”. Then you don’t hear from them again until they need something from you.

     I truly think it’s God’s way of weeding out the good friends from the bad. I don’t need drama! So I will nurture the true friendships and say goodbye for now to the others.

     Today I’m going to hold my kids. Straighten up the house. Do school with kiddos. Comforting , normal things. Study my Scriptures and ‘feast’ upon the Word.

-jl-

January 7, 2011-

     The kids are being loud- happy loud! Today I feel quiet. I know, weird huh. I’m always loud and always talking. But there is something in my soul today that just needs quiet. I’m working on that patience thing again.

     The phone will ring today and the person on the other line will tell me my future. I’m still holding on for that miracle. I’m also prepared for the other. I’ve thought it thru- prayed it out. How I will do my best to be a good example of Christ. I will try to help others know Him. Deep down, I even thought, maybe it will be cancer and I can make my God and my Savior proud of me as I beat the disease, and bring many until him. But then again, who in the heck wishes for cancer ? I’m so weird. ~ JL

January 7th continued:

Just received "the phone call"  -

Do you remember writing notes in school that said things like “ check yes if you like me… check no if you don’t like me “ well here is my school note for today :

Check yes if you have cancer

Check no if you don’t have cancer

I get to check the NO I DON’T HAVE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My favorite Scripture in the entire world : 

D&C 121: 7-8

 “ My son ( or daughter ) peace be unto thy soul; thine adversities and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high…..”

I’m not all the way through the affliction and adversity. I don’t have cancer. But I do have to have my very first ever surgery. I’ve never even been knocked out for a tooth before! But we need to be safe. Even though the biopsy has come back good… we need to go in there and remove the tumor.

A few of my favorite things for my children to know :

My favorite flower : tulips

My favorite color:

Yellow – because it’s like sunshine and it makes me cheerful and happy

Funny thing that comes to my mind right this very second : daddy’s urologist wears a button on his lab coat that says “ urine is beautiful “ ( I knew you guys would like that one hahaha! )

Favorite material thing I own at this moment : my snuggie!

Favorite things in the whole entire world : Keith, Dylan, Marlee, and Sydney 

January 7^th, continued : 

I just can’t believe that I can actually say – I don’t have cancer!!!! I have done nothing but pray and thank my Father in Heaven. I’ve praised Him all day – I’ve sang songs of praise and danced around with my children, I’ve been on my knees constantly just saying thank you again.

I called my grandma odie- I was crying and said ‘Grandma our prayers worked, all praises to Him!” and she started yelling and crying and saying “ Jaelle you are on FIRE for Christ! “ and we cried together. I am on fire for Christ. I want to shout to the entire world that prayers are answered, miracles still happen! Heavenly Father and our Savior love you!

It’s been 10 days since I went to the doctor for the first time about the mass. Ten days of worry, fear, anxiety, faith, hope, prayer and miracles. I feel as though a lifetime has passed in only ten days. I can’t believe all that I’ve been through in just such a short time.

 It’s not over yet. I have my very first surgery but I’m going to be just fine. I know I will. What’s next though ? Sharing my story. Letting the world know how one girl went from feeling worthless to knowing seriously KNOWING that she is a daughter of a king. We are all children of a GOD, we have royal blood flowing in our veins. It’s time I started acting like it.

Love, JL~

** Note from mommy-June 2020-  as I was preparing this I realized that this was the first time I really felt "called" to share my life story- yet i didn't do anything about it at that time.  Here it is 2020- 10 years later - im preparing this entry and finally getting my life story put together- but its interesting to me to look back and realize that I knew at that point that I had a mission from Heavenly Father to share my story and encourage others.  I just had to wait for the right time- and I didn't get the prompting from Heavenly Father to begin gathering my life story etc until just a few months ago. I obviously had a LOT more that I was going to go through that needed to be included in my life story and lots of lessons I needed to learn - and I'm still learning daily- that would prepare me for what Heavenly Father has called me to do. 

Also- as you know, this is just one small thing that mommy has been through in her life. Just a few months after this happened, I lost the ability to walk for a very long time and my life was completely changed to where I live in pain and struggle daily. You know this, because you walk this path with me. I’m going to write about that next. It’s time and I feel like I can finally talk about it ( or write about it! ) , I think that Heavenly Father took me through this trial first, of having the big lump, biopsy, worry, anxiety, surgery etc…. because He was preparing me for what was to come just a few months later. So don’t ever feel like when you have trials, that Heavenly Father doesn’t love you or something like that… because it’s just simply not true.

He loves you so much. He puts us through trials to prepare us for life, to teach us important lessons that we wouldn't learn any other way and to test us to see if we are going to stay strong for Him and to endure faithfully till the end. I can look back on this now and see that the faith that I had and the prayers that I offered during this time, were definitely preparing me for a few months later, when all I would be physically able to do, was pray- Lay in bed in excruciating pain and pray. You know what it was like.. you were there, but I know that the lessons I learned from this experience most definitely prepared me and set me up to have a relationship through prayer , with my Father in Heaven, that got me through the first 6 months after  the injection, excruciating nerve pain and paralysis. It’s what gets me through every day. That and my amazing family. I couldn’t love you guys more , I truly couldn’t … I think that every day… and then I look at you guys and realize.. what do ya know ? I love you even more than yesterday!

Love, Mommy 

January 10, 2011 –

     I’ve always hated my name. I mean absolutely hated it and yes I know hate is a bad word. Today I read something that made me feel a little proud of my name. In a book I’m reading the author stated something like this.. and I’m paraphrasing of course, but it went something like this :

 ‘ We want our girls to be feminine and modest, but also to be STRONG like Jael. ‘

Now I know that the Jael he is talking about is the biblical Jael ( and go read her story… it’s so freaking awesome hahahaha!!!  Judges 4 : 17-24 she kicks butt! ) and my mom actually came up with my name by combining the first two initials of my cousins John and LeeAnn ( j for john, l for leeAnn – JL or in my mom’s interesting spelling style… jaelle) it’s definitely not the same… but I couldn’t help smiling a bit at that phrase- I’m a strong warrior! Its fitting for what I've been through lately!

January 13, 2011- 

     I had my first ever surgery yesterday. The hard part is over. I was absolutely terrified because it was my first ever time going under for anything.. I’ve never even had laughing gas for a tooth! But the anesthesiologist understood that I was nervous so she gave me a little versed in my IV to help me be calm. Well a few minutes passed and it was getting closer and closer to them coming to take me back and I was about to freak out because I started thinking , what if I die.. what if this is the last time I see Keith here on earth etc etc etc… so I looked at the anesth. And I said “ it’s not working im still terrified!!!” with kind of deer in the headlights look haha… she said it’s ok, I’ll give you a little more versed- she pushed it into the IV and I was so nervous… I was like, why isn’t it work…… OH WOW THIS IS AWESOME!!!! Hahahahahaha! I put my head back on the chair and I was looking around the room and watching mtv on the tv and I looked at keith and was like , I’m not nervous anymore!!! And then I promptly fell asleep.

 I remember the nurses trying to wake me up and I said “ I’m trying to take a mommy nap!” They all got a kick out of that. They said that the doctor wanted to talk to me before surgery started, and I said, well she’s a mom and she should understand that I need a nap!

Next thing I remember is waking up coughing, from the tube they put down my throat. I was sitting up in a recliner like chair and I felt fuzzy, but my throat was so tickly! Then I heard my sweet husbands voice! Why is she coughing? He was worried… the nurse explained it was because of the tube that was down my throat. He came in and hugged and kissed me. Then the nurse said, do you want something to drink jl ? I said, do you have mountain dew ? She laughed so hard! Then she went to the nurses lounge and got me a mountain dew ! It was the best tasting thing in the world! I had my bra on ( don’t ask me how that got on! I don’t remember!) and they had put a little egg shaped ice pack in it! I loved that thing! It was just right! They helped me get dressed and I was on my way home! I was super out of it and sore… I laid down all afternoon… I felt ucky and sore.

 Then - this evening - a blizzard hit Hannibal, or so it seemed, you couldn’t see anything out the windows! The wind was so strong and the snow was so heavy- bitter cold- It was miserable out there! Then Keith came in and said, umm… our car broke down. Our only vehicle!!!! So he went out into the blizzard and started working on the car. But it was so dark, he couldn’t see. So I went out in my nightgown, jacket, and hiking boots haha… and I held a flashlight for Keith for almost 2 hours! In a blizzard! The day I had surgery to remove a booby tumor! Yup, I’m just that awesome. I prayed so hard that Keith would be able to fix the car- and over 2 hours later- it started up perfectly.  My hubby is such a rock star! He can literally fix anything! 

Anyway, that was yesterday. It’s over now. The healing has begun. So many great things happened. I was calm until right before the surgery but dang  I love that medicine hehehe. The nurses and doctor were great. It’s just a blessing that it went so well and I’m sore, but healing up. I’m going to be ok. I’m so thankful

Love, JL~